A lot has happended to me in the past few months, well since I last updated here. A lot of good times and a lot of bad. Right now one of the bad is happening. Once again I get the proverbal knife in my back. Once again someone I thought I could trust, someone that I even called my family has turned their back on me. Why do you ask? All because one of their friends has a problem with how I live my life. I am so sick and tired of the ignorance in this world that it makes me want to puke. Hello people, we are in the year 2009 already. GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM! If you have a problem with the way someone is....GET THE FUCK OVER IT! Seriously. I am so pissed off right now and so hurt. Some of you maybe wondering why I am so pissed about this, well let me explain the situation. My so called friend, which is my roomate, is haveing their birthday tommorow. Well they are haveing a party here. And he has kicked me out of the house for fear that his friend might say something. The same guy that I have stuck up for years is more worried about me getting angry at his friend then to tell his friend to shut the fuck up in my defence. Go fucking figure. Laides and Gentlemen, this is why I hate people and why I have trust issues. Further more this is cementing me not really careing about anyone else except for myself now.
I figured since no one reads this blog anymore that this would be a good place as any to post this.
Tonight was one of those weird nights. Yet again I can not sleep...big suprise there. So I have used this time to think. And we all know what happens when I think. I over think. I feel alone. I know I am not alone seeing how me and James got back together a few months ago, but I still feel alone in this world. I feel like I can not connect to anyone. Though dont get me wrong, James is a loving man, but I still feel like I am walking alone in this world. I have tried, and have been succesfull, to patch old friendships, but now I feel like I am being annoying. Also at times I still feel like I should have died. That I should not be here. At times I do not want to be here. I do not want to suffer anymore, not that I am suffering physicaly minus my back, but the emotional suffering. I am tired of it. I am tired of dealing with shit. In one month alone I have had to deal with not one, not two, but three funerals of people I know. So I have made a rule. No one else I know is allowed to die till 2009. I just want things to go back to normal. To go back to the way they were years ago. I know that would have me living with the harpy and not meeting James, but times seemed simpler then. I would wake up, rp, drink, rp, watch tv, rp, eat, rp, pass out. I miss the old rping days. I was in those times that I was able to express my inner emotions threw my characters. Hell I know, there are other ways to express and deal with them, but anyone who knows me can tell you that I am not one to talk about my emotions unless it is anger. I LOVE talking about anger. Anger fules me. Something else that has me depressed it the bloody holiday season. I hate this time of the year for a very long numbered reasons, which I will not get into. But yeah, depressed. Standing at the cross roads yet again in my life and I do not know which path to take. Do I take the one to the right or the one to the left. I havent a clue. I just which I had some map to tell me.
You know, I feel like all I ever write about is my love life, or lack there of. But again I write these as to vent and get stuff off my chest that I can not tell people face to face. As with all the other posts, not looking to get sympathy, just want to vent.
I finaly thought I was over him. I finaly thought that I could move on with my life. that I could get past everything that had happen and start fresh. I was finally starting to get happy. But with everything in my life, I should have learned that everytime I feel safe, everytime I feel happiness, everytime I feel that stress is gone....it all comes back in the matter of seconds. I know that now one said that love was easy. I know that no one said that breaking up was easy as well. I only wish that I continued on with my research about this emotion. I spent a long time trying to figure out love. Hell I started to research every emotion. Trying to figure out why we feel. Why we thrive on the emotions. Particularly the ones that cause us so much pain and suffering. Love is suppose to be a good thing correct. Then why has all my expericences and research lead me to belive that love is nothing more than a horrible thing that has been eflicted on hummanity. My reasoning for that remark:
1) Love has cause alot of people to do stupid things. Things they would not normaly do. Hell it has cause some people to kill for it.
2) Love has cause some people to become jelous.
3) Love has cause some people to cry on nights on end. Cause some people to drink theirselves into a deep drunken state just so they could finaly find an escape from the pain.
4) Love has cause alot of people pain. What causes that is that when they love something with every inch of their fiber. When they love someone or something so much that the very thought of them leaveing them would crush them, then it happens and they feel nothing more than an empty shell.
If love is suppose to be a good thing, something that is to bring people happiness and joy, then why does it bring the four things I mentioned? I could go on with the list. But those are what come off the top of my head. Why do we strive for this emotion when in the end it is our downfall. I have seen and read about alot of powerful people in life be brought down by the emotion of love. To me, right now, love is nothing more than a useless emotion that shows a sign of weakness.
People say that it is better to love and lost than to never love at all. Bullshit. That expression was only made up to make people feel better. To make them forget the pain they felt and jump right back in to the endless cycle of pain and misery.
"Nothing here is real, nothing here is right..." A quote from a song that I have been listing to on repeat for a while now. At times it feel like that. It feel like nothing I have experienced over the course of a month has been real. That I am doing nothing more but dreaming. But I know I am not. Hell I am awake enough hours of the day to know I am not dreaming. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can not do anything but just try to put on my "brave little toaster" face and face the world. Only to hide myself from it. To go back into the darkness of myself. I know I am doing it so I can not get hurt again. But can I really be anymore hurt that I am? Can anyone possibly hurt me more than I already have? To cause me as much pain and suffering as I have experienced? I hurt so much that it has now become physical pain. Yet another thing to chalk up to love. Yet another thing to chalk up to the emotion that is suppose to bring us happiness and joy.
When will it all end? When will I finaly be at peace? When I am dead...again? And I am talking about physical death. I think the most peaceful part of my life is when I was dead for those few moments. When I was laying in that hospital bed. I was at peace. I was in a comfortable state. Was that my gift? To know what it felt like and have it ripped away from me? And before anyone that was brave enough to read this jumps to conclusions, I am not planning on takeing my life...again. You know I am much smarter than that. I am tired of feeling. I am tired of careing. I am tired of loveing. Hell I am tired of this whole mortal coil of emotions. I just want to be numb...again. I just want to finaly have a peaceful state. To finaly not hurt, both physicaly and emotionaly. I just want it all to end. The emotions that is. I know I am rambling, but hey, it's my jounrnal. Thus the conclusion of yet another wonderful day in my fucked up life.
You know they say there are seven stages of grief. I don't know if they apply to a break up, but that is consider grief to me. But my problem is that I can not get past the first few stages. I bounce back and forth from depression, to anger, to acceptence back to depression again. Then again this is me we are talking about and I never was one to get my emotions straight. For those of you who know me, you know I am nothing more than an emotional roller coaster. Hell at times I sound like I am a whiney teenage girl to myself. But you know what, I did care for the ex. I did love them with all of my heart. They were the first person in a long time to show me that I do have something called a heart. Funny thing, I was going to ask them to marry me in October. I felt like the time would have been right seeing how it was our two year ann and all. But thats the funny thing. And the one thing that I should have rembered about my life. When ever I get happy, something equaly tragic or unhappy has to happen to ballance itself out. I was happy with them. I truely was happy. Yes we had our problems. Yes we had our fights. But I loved them with every inch of the fiber that makes my body. I never loved someone as much as I loved them. And its hard. Its so fucking hard to sit here and not know what is going on in their life. Not to know if they moved on and if someone else is sleeping in our bed. See thats the funny thing. The fact that I still call it our bed when I had no part in the buying of it.
Now the other odd thing about this is that normaly when I get hurt as bad as they hurt me, I seek out to deal it back to them ten fold. I go for the heart and attack it with everything I have till they become nothing more than a crying mess of flesh and bone. But I can not bring myself to do that twords them. I can't do it. Maybe I am getting soft in my old age. Hell if I know. I just want them back in my life. I have been told by a lot of people that is a normal part of a break up. That you long to feel the touch of the person you are no longer with. Kinda like the forbiden fruit thing.
I was doing better. I hadn't talked to them untill tonight since I left. Since the time we said our final good byes. The thing about tonight is that I was dreaming of them. In the dream I was talking to them asking if they wanted me to stay or go. Then I get awoken up with someone knocking on my door saying I had a phone call. Guess who it was. Them. I hate my dreams at times. You know I wish I could find a way to fast foward threw all of this pain. I am tired of the sleepless nights I have been having since the break up. I am tired of haveing to rely on a shit load of pain pills to try and help me sleep, which is not helping anymore. My insomnia has been in over drive since we broke up. I am a mental, emotional, and physical wreak lately.
If any of you have seen the Buffy musical, the opening song "Going through the motions" describes once again how my life is going. For those of you who have not heard it, go to www.playlist.com and type in "going through the motions" For the past two days thats all I have done. Brooding, sulking, shut up in my room with only the two cats for company. Hell I am not even longing for humman contact right now. All I want is the largest bottle of vodka I can find to help kill the pain. The only contact with people I have right now or even want right now is via the internet.
A few post back I mention that I was afraid that I would turn back into the man I was. Well it has happen. I have started to slip back into old habits. I can honestly say that I feel no other emotion lately but sadness, anger, and depression. I might have a few periods of laughter, but not much. They are few and far between.
God just make it stop. Please for once can I just sleep peacefuly with out you entering my dreams....
So yeah time for an update...again the useal warnings:
1) I cuss a lot. if this offends you then piss off. 2) My journal. I use this to vent and get shit off my chest. Not looking for pitty 3) The views expressed here are mine and mine alone. You don't like them...then piss off 4) Do not form your opion of me bassed on my journal. If you need a reason why not to judge read warning number two
So now that we got all that bullshit out of the way time for the meat of the subject.
Tonight was Trevor's birthday. We celebrated last night by taking a shot of Sakue at midnight. Other than that it was a blah day. I was suppose to get up and make everyone breakfast but I didnt fall asleep till 4am and woke up at noon. Still taking all the pain meds I was in Richmond for my back. I need to get that looked at, but hey not haveing health insurance kinda prevents me from doing that. The cats are getting adjusted here. Then again they spend all their time in my room or near me in some sort of way. On a brighter note I should have my own laptop up and working again by the end of next week. Going to Best Buy or Circut City Monday to price the parts that I need to get it fixed. Once I get that done then I have a wonderful day of transfering the files I want to keep on a cd and then reformatting the bloody hard drive trying to get the stupid thing to run at good speed. Normaly I could fix the problem very easily on a desktop but laptops are a new thing to me as far as fixing them.
I haven't talked to the ex in a week. It was a week tonight that we said our final good byes. I still think about them every night, but the pain is getting more and more bareable. I still want to excat vengence upon them, but I have decide to be a good little witch and not do it. Hell have enough negitive karma around me, don't need to be adding more. Everyone around me is trying to keep my spirts up, but this is something I have to work threw. And the diffrence about me working on it here than in Richmond is that I don't have the means to get drunk down here...which is driving me bloody insane. I am looking forward to the day when I can get piss ass drunk. I need it. Call me an alcholic if you want, but I don't see myself as one.
Other than that everything is of the norm. Bored out of my skull down here, which is excatly the way I left it. Nothing has seem to change. Maybe a new store here and there but all in all it looks the same as when I left two years ago.
It's 4:34 in the afternoon here and what am I doing? Well course none of you would know the answer to that question unless you were here with me, and if you were here then I would not be typing this.
I am slipping back into old habbits again. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of sitting here rembering shit that has happend and I am tired of trying to figure out where to take my life next. I don't want to be an adult anymore. I am also tired of people thinking just cause I am 26 now that I should have my life in order and start thinking about kids and what not. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Well the kids part I mean cause seriously now, do any of you see me as a father?
So what is going on and what old habbits am I talking about? Depression. I have been in a deep state of depression for almost a week now, with every day sinking deeper and deeper into it. Oh before I forget, the same rules apply as always:
1)....awww fuck it you people should know them by now
So what has me depressed you ask. Alot of things. You know I never thought I would be home sick for martinsville. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would miss that place, but I do... on some level. I do not miss the place as a place, I miss the people I knew there. And I am not looking to be all sappy and shit, but I miss my friends. I really do.
I have a life changing decision to make. One that only I can do. I have to decide if it is time for me to move back home or not. I have tried this experiment for almost two years now. Yes it has had alot of good moments, but it also has had alot of bad ones as well. I have met alot of great people up here, but maybe it is time for me to just pack up everything and go back home. That is something that scares me and shocks me to my very core.
It scares me due to the fact that I know what that place did to me. I know what happend every night when I lived there, and I am afraid of it happing again. But then again, it is happing here now. I just don't know if I could handle being down there again. When I lived down there I honestly felt alone. Nothing could fill the void that was building up inside me. I was a very diffrent person. One where happiness was a very hard thing to find with me. I was nothing more than a sinking hole of dispare and I do not want to become that yet again. But like I mentioned earlier, it's starting up here as well. I am just at a loss at what to do.
I have tried to ask people for their advice, and no one can honestly give me any, which in return scares me more than ever. Before someone was always able to tell me something. Have some voice on what choice I should make. Maybe that has been my problem. I have relied on to many people to help me make the big choices that I never once stood on my own two feet until now. And when I finaly have to stand on my own, I fall. But hey, I get back up and walk a little more. Then I fall again. How many times do I have to fall before I learn how to walk alone?
But I have learned alot of life lessons here in Richmond. I have become a better person. Alot of the angst that was inside of me has subsided, but that is what I am afraid of the most. That the moment I set foot back onto Martinsville, that old habbits and feelings will arise once again. I do not want to become the man I once was. I do not want to feel nothing. I have learned to enjoy life, but then again that is the story of my life. Once I get a taste of something great, it rips it away from me. Much like a dog with their favorite bone. I might sound like a whiney teenager right now, but damn it this is how I feel. I am tired of haveing to be the strong one. I am tired of havein to be the one that helps everyone else out, that puts everyone else ahead of me. But you know I have always done that. I have always tried to make sure everyone else was happy instead of me....to a point.
I know I can be selfish, but that comes to being raised as an only child. Oh thats what the psyco bable is about only children. But for the most part, I worry about everyone else. James said it best the other night. I act like nothing is bothering me right now. I act like I do not care about what is going on. But I do. I lay in bed every night worrying and wondering. Trying to figure things out. But I do it where no one else can see it. Very few of my friends have seen that side of me. Why? It's not cause I am trying to be all macho. It's not that I am trying to be Mr. Badass, it's due to the fact that if I let them see me worry, I feel that they will worry. And I do not want that to happen. I hate when people worry about me. I hate it just for the reason that it takes their mind off of their life and for one moment puts it on mine.
And then I worry about this emotion called love. That is what is the cause of alot of my issues right now. That is what is complicating the decision I have to make. If I go back home, I would have to end the almost two year relationship I am in. I don't know if I want to do that. I don't want to move back and always wonder..."What if". Also I feel that is not fair to the one I love. It's not their fault that I am a disaster right now. But they have stood by me for the most part and have provided their love and support and I can never repay them for that. I love them with all of my heart, which I am shocked to learn that I have one, and I hope they know that.
So yeah, I know this has been one of my more longer post than reccent ones, but I had alot to get off my chest. Do I feel a tad bit better? Some, but for now I am just going to try and relax and forget about what is going on, if just for a moment.
Woke up in the useal I dont want to wake up and I want to stay in the warm and comfy bed state of mind. Went to work at 5 to find that I dont have a pay check cause the idiot managers I work with didnt tell me that my credit card tips were automaticaly claimed at the end of the night. So yeah got screwed out of money. Came home and went out with the other half. Kinda intoxicated right now and listing to the kingdom hearts 2 soundtrack. So yeah been an intresting day. I am sitting here on the comp while the other half talk to their best friend...yay.
Well well well, what have we here? An update huh? Ohhh I'm really scared.
Thats right kiddies, time for another update. The useal stuff applies. By that I mean my warnings. I shall not post them cause you all should know them by now, but for those of you who are new to my journal, scroll down till you find them.
Well alot of shit has happen since my last entry. Which was in September. Well I no longer live where I did. Move out due to the landlord not fixing anything that needed to be fixed. I have been in my longest relationship yet, I have another job, And I am still as crazy as ever.
Well the first I already explained. The second, I have been in the relationship I am in for over a year now. It has had it's ups and downs, but then again what relationship doesnt. I am still and love and I do belive I found the one for me. The thrid: I work at a bbq resturant now. Thats right I sell pig now. I love the job, so far. The coworkers are nice, managment is awsome, and the customers do not get on my nerves...to a point.
Oh and I just finished reading the golden compass. Great book and I look foward to reading the rest of the trilogy.
So yeah thats the update. I will try to update this more often that I have, but who knows.
So this is a continuation on the subject I was on Sat. Life is still a funny thing. As always the useal mumbo jumbo.
So some first that have happened to me since the last post:
1) I had a party type event. For the first time in the twenty-five years of my exsistence, I threw a party monday. Well it wasn't my first party so to speak. But it was the first time that more than six came. I had eleven people in my appartment for fun and games. It was a good time and I enjoyed it. But the next day I needed to take a break from people. It was a good time for all.
2) People are acctualy comeing to vist me more. I have had more people come to see me in the past three months than I have ever had in my entire life. I am enjoying that. I am use to haveing to drive to see people, and for once people are driveing to see me which make me happy and makes me feel wanted and loved. Tonight I had a friend come over and just hang. Not the first time, but it did make me relise what I was missing in life. I can honestly say since moving from Martinsville that I am happy at the moment. Doesnt make the situation I am in any better, but for the moment I had an escape that did not involve me drinking myself to sleep.
Now for the rant part. What will I rant about tonight? Well work.
I got bitched at, so to speak, about my over time. Yes I worked 43 hours last week and a possible 50-60 this week. I picked up four shifts but I was still taking my two days off. That was untill the host schedual was posted yesterday and I found out that I had NO days off. So yeah, if they want to bitch about me getting so much over time, then do not work me seven straight days, which is the entier work week. My response was that my GM said he didn't care about the over time.
Thats all I can think of at the moment. So yeah, the useal stuff. Leave comments and what not. Let me know you guys are still alive.
You know, lifes a funny thing. And before we get into that the usal warnings. And I shall not repeat them cause you should know them by now. Anyways, on with our story.
You know, life is a funny thing. Just when you think you are at your darkest hour, you can always sometimes see some shinning ray of light. And I shall not get into the religous aspect of this, cause if you are reading this then you should know me by now. Anyways. Life has it's ups and downs. I see mine as haveing more downs than ups, but the way I see it is that it should all even out in the end. Alot has happened in the past week. Alot of things I shall not repeat. But things are looking up finaly. I have the relationship back on track, for now atleast, and the job is going good. Mind you I am working myself to death, but hey it is something that I have to do. But that brings me to my next topic.
Love
Love is a funny emotion as well. But that can be said for any humman emotion. Love makes you do stupid things. Things you don't normaly do. Love can also cause you to act diffrently than you normaly do as well. It is hard to go against the emotion. Hell this is a weird subject for me to be talking about. If you have asked me what I thought of this emotion eleven months ago, I would have told you that I found it to be a idotic emotion, one that is over rated. Hell to this day I still think the word L-O-V-E is over rated and used to much in todays society. It is thrown around like conffette. But now I acctualy belive in the emotion again. And I have for the past eleven months. I love the person I am with. And I will, and have, do anything for them. Hell I uprooted my life for this person, and I have sacraficed so much. Would I do it again if I had the choice? Hell yes I would.
There is more that I want to discuss, but I am being called away by the one I love. I shall, if I have the chance, continue on with this discussion later in the week.
“Yes I forgot, I want you guys to hear something, hold on, fuck, that was Amber ladies & gentleman her favorite word is faggot & she likes to say shit & kak. Go away, kak, penis & she's just hitting me with her shirt which I'm gonna throw over the banister. Oh yeah, funny thing, we went shoe fishing & scared my downstairs neighbor with a haunted shoe that was on a string. I should have took pictures of that but, ok I'm actually gonna jump off here cause I know you guys had a lot to listen to with the last post & I will, like I said I might post when I get down to Martinville, might either be a voice post or a actual post. So, yeah, later.”
Well it has been almost a month since I moved into my new appartment. I kinda like it. I bought a bed last week and it made me finaly think I had a home. It's nicely sized and it is very quiet. I will upload pics later for people who care. Also on a side note. Cleaning the friends list out on here, so if you still read the journal and want to continue to read it then you have untill July 15th to post a comment and let me know.
Well, where the bloody hell to begin? It has been an intresting last couple of months. Getting ready to move into my new appartment. First appartment that I have had by myself. So yeah which brings me to another topic. If you want to donate to the "Jon needs new stuff for his appartment cause he does not have anything at all" foundation, let me know. God I hate moving. Seems like for the past two years I have done nothing but move from one house to the next. I am hoping that maybe now I can finaly have a home...of course that depends on if I can keep this job or not. I am selling ok, but I am not taking this job seriously. For some reason I can not do it. Of course it could be that I am working with a bunch of idiots. Not all of them are, but the majority of them are. Stupid jocks. I call them that cause as I sit here and type this, they are having a sports conversation that I have no idea what the hell they are talking about. But you will notice the return of something that has been missing from my journal for a while. Thats right boys and girls. Its the return of.........STUPID CHRISTIAN LOGIC. Stay tuned for some posts. But more to tell when I have a little more time. I just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking.
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the_pumpkinking's journal
pissed off.
depressed.
blah.
bored.
hungry.
calm.